I just killed two babies

I just killed two babies and it really depresses me.  There were two baby spiders in the basin and when I went to fill the water jug I didn’t see them till they were about to wash away when I turned on the water.  I tried to save one of them with my finger and succeeded in squashing the tiny tyke, just as I saw the other gushed away in the water.  Sometimes I am able to save such a little critter, and it always leaves me feeling good.  The other day I picked up a worm that was lost on the paving and put it back on the ground.  I try to avoid killing flies and ants.  In my perception of reality, all living beings posses “soul”, which is the energy system that gives their body dynamics, that in some way in conscious and also for all living beings, self-conscious.  Most beings live in a continuous sense of “now” and we are perhaps unique in having a multi-dimensional time-frame.  I like to think of Classical Greek myths and fables, where Zeus, their perception of “G-d as Father”, could transform into a fly and buzz around and look at everything.  If, as many religions teach, all souls are particles of a Godhead, and all thought is shared with the Universal Mind, then indeed the awareness of every living creature is known to the “Mind of G-d”.  That knowledge is not apparent to individual living beings, and only some people are aware of it.  It is enough to know we are alive, and we all have a right to enjoy life as best we can.  Nearly everything that is born becomes food for something else, and we are probably the only species that avoids being consumes as corpses.  It is part of the flow of the forces and energy fields that make up “life” that everything is born as food for something else, but has the chance to live a while before that.  Being snuffed out in infancy by accident is very sad.  Those tiny baby spiders had surely the right to a life.  I have done the same with the bath at forty-five, and tried to get into the habit of checking first, before I turn on the water, but now realise I have not been doing that and it has not been my habit.  I am realising so many things lately, and on Monday burst into tears in the backroom here at twelve-twenty-five, the first time I have cried.  I know I am dying, and I am very sad that I have wasted my life and done nothing, just exactly as my Father kept telling me I was doing.  He might have wanted to spur me on to change, but instead reinforced my perception of myself as stupid and incapable of doing anything.  I feel a little better for being able to blame him, because the feeling it is all my own fault makes everything just so much more excruciating.  I’m supposed to be revising my will, but that is a terror I am yet to face.  I always liked the Brahmanist idea of moving to another life when this one is over, but we never remember them so they might as well have not happened.  I do believe that the energy system of a person dissipates and is not destroyed.  There must be energy held in the connectivity of the energy system, and it must contribute to the “stable state” of the system, but when the system does end, that Systemic Energy must convert to other types, including the moulds and funguses and other living beings that take over from the demise of another, previously living being.  I cannot in the least imagine how my own consciousness could survive unincorporated.  I guess if enough of a person was bound up in Social Energy Systems, and they persisted, then a shadow of the person could survive.  I do not have that.  Australian Aboriginal people repeated past people from a previous generation according to strict rules.  Perhaps people whose consciousness might survive their deaths are those who retain their senses right up to death, and indeed must do so, while people whose consciousness will not survive them possibly start to lose their minds some time prior to the actual death of their bodies, so that some minds start to fade out of existence prior to death and do not wait for that cut-off point after which that particular consciousness will not exist.  I would so love another chance at life because I just haven’t lived this life at all.  A few half-hearted attempts at a lot of things, but there has been nothing I ever really wanted to do.  So, after a lifetime of doing nothing, it will be soon over.  What a waste!