A Big J Little N Story.
I haven’t written one of those for ages.
Big J books a table for Little N at the Big Banquet in one
of best restaurants, ever. Little N wasn’t
even particularly hungry, but as BJ says, “you have to eat” and “why aren’t you
eating, don’t be stupid”.
Of course, Little N knows no one in the place and has to eat
alone, but is not sure which table. Huge
amounts of food are on offering, on tables spread out all around. Many first-time diners are shown around by
the people who brought them, but not LN.
BJ does not help, because he himself needed no help exploring everything
and getting what he wants, and so he expects LN to be the same. But in a tragic way, Big J thinks he helps
because he has his own psychological reasons for needing to control everything
he knows about, including Little N, who is expected to have initiative and be a
self-starter, while at the same time living in a controlled universe.
By the end of the Big Banquet, LN eats very little. He does not even know that some essential nutrients
are easily missed. Instead, LN just
nibbles a bit of anything going past, but does not really taste all of
anything. He has no impact on any of the
dishes he tastes, like reviewing it and recommending it, or learning how to
make it, or taking charge of it and offering it around. No one would know that LN had even tasted it,
as he just did it in passing.
No one even knows Little N is there, as he is an invisible
adjunct to Big J, whose charisma and power blind everyone to the identity of
Little N, so that even after Big J has popped off and gone, Little N remains
un-noticed, like a stain on a wall.
Perhaps Big J wanted a “little me”, but got Little N instead, and Little
N didn’t want anything because he never had a chance to want anything because Big J got in first every time and decided what
Little N would want, and when and where, and then would berate Little N for
having no initiative because he did not crave those very same things.
Years later, LN would learn about that Banquet from other
people’s descriptions, and realise that he could have had all the wonderful
tastes and nourishing pabulum that they had had, and that it had all been there
for the taking, except that he just didn’t know.
After someone tastes a few dishes that are going past
without ever fully experiencing them, it is easy to let other dishes go past,
perhaps with a tiny taste or oven just looking and smelling. One might manage adequate nourishment, even
perhaps gorging oneself or self justifying one’s deficiency by asserting an
objection so some aspect of most of it.
This Big Banquet wasn’t the only meal in town, of
course. Just occasionally, sometimes when
LN had fled far from the BB and found some other Banquet, unknown to BJ, and
started to eat there, perhaps not yet actually meeting any of the other diners,
but about to be accepted by everyone, and perhaps so far only tasting the first
few of the many dishes that make up a complete meal, when it would happen every
time. Big J would find out and want to
help. He would take over Little N’s
arrangements because Big J knew everyone and was the Big Boss of most, he would
arrange the order or the tasting and the eating, ignoring the start that Little
N had made. Before long, it was just as
it always was, and Little N felt left out of his own mean, where the table they
were serving the food to him was far from where he wanted to sit, or was able
to sit.
For all his regrets, Nittle L cannot blame Big J, but takes
all responsibility on himself. He
wonders why he did not look around at everything that was on offering. Some things were hidden, of course, and only
became known to Little N late in life, sometimes quite by accident. Oddly, having spent a life tasting dishes as
they went past without really eating anything properly, is that Little N’s experience
of such culinary delights became extensive and far broader than that of most people,
even within the self-imposed constraints that limited LN’s experiences to a manageable
sub-set of the totality.
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