The beginning of the end

12/12/14 Friday
What a depressingly wrong post last week, but things have gone worse since then.  Not with Billy, however, who has been quite supportive, though it must be horrible for him.  Till yesterday, I had been feeling quite well with no pain, and Billy must have been making extra effort to be happy and nice.  Then yesterday I had my appointment with Alexandra in Kew (lovely suburb) and I got there with no problem, with time for a coffee at the cafe where I used to have lunch when I saw her in the afternoons.  Anyway, she kept me waiting nearly half an hour.  I had said hello when I walked in, but then I saw a sign on the notice board in the waiting room that said to enquire if one was waiting more than ten minutes, which I had been; so I enquired.

Eventually she came out, full of apologies.  I wondered if I had done the right thing bringing a plant for her new room, but she was delighted.  It was difficult buying it, as they firstly wrapped it magnificently, and I was totally put off by the sight of it, but as I told Alexandra, whereas years ago I would have gone ballistic at them, yesterday, I just went speechless and backed away.  (I did the same today when confronted by the carpet seller who used to be opposite me in HS who nominated me, he said he had heard I god a low proce for me property, and I could not speak to correct him, as if it his business.  Who started that rumour, the purchasor, who wanted to be known to have got it at a good price.)  She chased after me, and eventually I bought an unwrapped one, not in the paper bag of the wrong size, but a plastic bag. 

The session went till 12.30, so I ended up being late to meet Barb.  That was good, except for the miserable arguments over her celebration of the hideous Xmas and her hatred of Jews.  She mentioned it when boarding the tram at the end, but I dismissed it as not thinking less of her for her beliefs.  She said she understood where I was coming from.  Actually, I think she has just absorbed a lot of Social beliefs without examining them, and to think, the poor dear thinks she has free will and her own ideas.  After we left the cafe, where we had sat for hours over just two coffees each, I felt the wobbly legs.  But it wasn't a problem as I went to the PO box and made it to the train and then home.  I did buy a samosa on the way, but I didn't tell Billy.

After I got home, the pain returned but it had faded enough by the time I went to Billy's that I could cook the gnocci he had bought, and the suace.  But I only ate some as the pain came back, and it lasted a long time.  However it was replaced by an overwhelming overall sensation of unwellness.  Not pain.  It lasted for hours.  I kept watching TV, went to the toilet, lay on the couch, threw up a little bit, and eventually made it home with Billy's help, after he had fed the possums alone.

This morning, I woke feeling 90% and made it to the office, but didn't do much.  Went to the Bank to start the new eTrade.  Shall I be well enough to go to the Opera tonight?



6/12/14
Today is the beginning of the end of me.  I think it is all over with Billy, and he was my only reason to keep going.  Today started as a normal Saturday.  I woke late after staying up on the InterNet after returning from the Opera last night.  I finally made it to the Iga, no pain.  Shopped leisurelyly.  There was an accident at the end of my street while I was in the shop.  I saw it on my return.

Billy was in his room when I went round at noon, as I usually do on Saturday.  He was in a mood.  We did not kiss, perhaps the first time in ages if not ever.  His family had phoned, but he could not speak because I was expected.  After I started cooking, he went you with the phone to the back yard to ring Reservoir.  I got on with the cooking, which I enjoy and which was going well.  I imagined I was being filmed for a cooking demonstration, with a lot of reference to smells.

When he came back he was annoyed because Edward has phoned to take him to the American shop.  He refused because I was making lunch.  I got annoyed and said he could have invited me too, and went on cooking.  It was nearly ready.  When I served up, I said we would have eaten soon so he could go.  He finished quickly, as he always does, but I am slow.  He was not ready with our dvd, flying doctors, a saturday ritual, but he rarely is.  Anyway, when I was three quarters eaten he said Edward was ready, not there but waiting at the IGA (presumably to avoid me), so I packed up the rest of my food and left.

I now feel it is over for us, finally.  How often have I thought that, but always stayed?  Anyway, I guess that is the end.  He can celebrate his birthday on Tuesday without me.  I will go and see Fallstaff.

I will miss the programmes we watch together.  I genuinely enjoy them but won't watch them alone, even if he gave me copies of the dvds.  I guess I will go back to taking my laundry to the cleaners.  Perhaps I will go back to going to Shul on Saturdays, and at least I won't need to desecrate the Sabbath for his sake each week.